List of math jokes
Here's a list of math jokes. They are compiled from various sources.
See also here
for some pictures (joint with M. Weidner).
- What is green and homeomophic to the open unit interval?
the real lime
- What is the contour integral around Africa?
zero, all the Poles are in Europe
- What couldn't the Möbius strip enroll at Caltech?
because we require freshman orientation
- Why did SO(3) leave Caltech after one week?
because it can only do rotation
- What do you call a young eigensheep?
a lamb, duh!
- What is hallucinogenic and exists for every group with order divisible by p^k?
a psilocybin p-subgroup
- What's yellow, linear, normed, and complete?
a Bananach space
- What do you call the category of Banach Analytical Manifolds?
- What is brown, furry, runs to the sea, and is equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
Zorn's lemming or the Well-Ottering principle. They're equivalent in the ZF Sea.
- What tastes like oranges and is differentiable in the whole complex plane?
- Who knows everything there is to be known about vector analysis?
the oracle of del phi
- What do you call a function with a negative derivative, that makes things cleaner?
- What is black and white ivory and fills space?
- Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
because he left a residue on every pole
- Why did the Klein bottle's relative start taking off its clothes?
it was a Möbius stripper
- Or, what doesn't have an orientation and likes taking off its clothes?
a Möbius stripper
- Why do Maclaurin polynomials fit the original function so well?
because they are Taylor made
- Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
because he wasn't Abel
- Why can't you grow corn in Z/6Z?
because it's not a field!
- Follow-up: Why can't you grow corn in Z/5Z?
because it's an abstract mathematical object
- Follow-up: I hear Grothendieck once grew corn in Z/57Z, although he had to devise a clever scheme first.
- Follow-up: And you can't grown corn in Z/7Z either, because we grew corn in it last year, so you have to rotate the crops and grow soybeans this year.
- What is often used by Canadians to help solve certain differential equations?
a lacross transform
- What did the calculus instructor say to his hungover student?
Know your limits, and Don't drink and derive.
- Why did the mathematician put his null space in the microwave?
to make popcorn! (kernels are hard to eat)
- What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
- What do you get if you cross a rat with a mosquito?
- Why did the polynomial plant (whose zeros all had zero real part) wilt?
its roots were imaginary
- Which family of functions \N->\N is the most excited?
- Which big cat is good at linearly approximating a differentiable function?
a tangent lion or a straight lion
- What do you call a destroyed angle that kinda looks like an equiangular quadrilateral?
- What happened to the indeterminate form that got sick in calculus?
It went to the L'Hôpital.
- What's purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape.
- What is purple and all of its offspring have been committed to institutions?
A simple grape, it has no normal subgrapes.
- What is lavender and commutes?
An Abelian semigrape.
- What's purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people?
A finitely-venerated Abelian grape.
- What's purple, round, and doesn't get much for Christmas?
A finitely presented grape.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9
- Follow-up: Why was 7 afraid of 8?
- Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?
because 5 8 13
- What kind of map would you take with you on car trips?
- What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?
- What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?
- Why did the matrix finally become identical to her conjugate transpose?
it was her mission
- What does the little mermaid wear?
- What is an owl's favorite kind of math?
- Why are math books often sad?
they have lots of problems
- Or, why are math books so swoll?
they get lots of exercises
- What do you call an angle that is adorable?
- What is polite and works for the phone company?
a deferential operator
- Follow-up: What fakes politeness and works for the phone company?
a pseudo-deferential operator
- What do analysts and number theorists throw into the fireplace? (really any mathematician does this, but computer scientists and chemists do not)
- Why do analyists and number theorists like parks?
Because of all the natural logs.
- What do you call a ring theorist's parrot when it hasn't been fed?
- Why is it hard to grow large-sized corn in an injective map?
the kernels are small
- What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B Mandelbrot
- How did the matrix whose eigenvalues summed to zero disappear?
It vanished without a trace.
- What do you call small, shiny disks which are made with precision?
- What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?
The higher they get, the more spaced out they get.
- Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
- Why did Emil Artin's necklace keep falling off?
It had a descending chain condition.
- What do you call a lot of money that commutes?
- At Christmas time, how do you perform the inverse operation to exponentiation?
- What do group theorists hang on their door at Christmas?
- What is yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
- What is woolly, spits, and is equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
- Why do nurses use 1-to-1 functions so much?
- Why was Gollum obsessed with Z/6Z?
- Why are algebraic geometers always coming up with evil plans?
They really like schemes.
- What is a pirate's favorite field?
R or C.
- What is a pirate's favorite measure on a locally compact topological group?
- Where do you grow degree two polynomials?
In quadratic fields on quadratic farms.
- What do you call a banana with a hole in the middle?
- What transform do you apply to turn a sphynx cat into a Norwegian forest cat?
The furrier transform.
- How do algebraists actually eat their corn?
By modding out the kernels.
- What is the best response to a harmonic analysis joke?
Hardy Haar Haar.
- How do algebraic topologists remodel their porch?
With deck transformations.
- What did the topologist say when s/he wanted to stop playing their hand in poker?
- How do linear algebraists settle arguments about matrix transposes?
With a dual.
- What did the geometer studying k^n say when asked about their career?
It's affine job! (k^n is affine n-space over the field k)
- Which LaTeX package should you avoid when you go hiking?
#8 - A. Anderson
#9 nonstandard answers - A. Penak, M. Wheeler
#12, 21, 58, 72, 73, 74, 79, 80 - M. Weidner
#22 - A. Penak
#25 - C. Dosen
#43 - J. Stark
#57 - idea from K. Siva
#67, 68 - M. Greenfield
#71 - http://www.math.utoronto.ca/ashao/
#75 - T. Shin
#76, 77 - https://www.ma.utexas.edu/users/a.debray/puns.html